Enough

A long time coming.  It took a while to get it all down, but this is hopefully the last out-of-date and up-to-date post, ever.  After all, what is professional school for, but to constantly update the world on your life? Finals over, and New Term, New Year started, this is that which I was trying to get out, and couldn't all last term...

....

So, it finally happened; I extended myself further than I could go, did too much, gave too much, and now I'm out.  Out out.  Like nothing left in me.  Like can't hardly hold myself to sit upright.  I am mentally, emotionally, and physically exhausted.  This wouldn't be bad, and is in fact par for the course in vet school except, we still have finals... 
....
Once upon a time.  There was a simple structure built.  It was made for shelter, and support.  The structure, once finished, felt hard and stable with a deep foundation, and there was always the option of building more upward and outward.  But this, just now, was only a simple structure.  It could be used for support and shelter.

Time passed, and the sun beat down, bleaching and cracking it in places, but the structure stood, using its shadow for company.  The rains came, water-logging the cross-beams, but the structure still held, still maintained its function.  Then people came, using the structure for shade and shelter.  Some would climb up high on top with solid support at their feet.  The structure was happy in its function and form.  Some came, and took bits away for other projects, some even pried out the support beams.  At some point, the structure became unstable, unfit for it's function.  And the people left.  No one wanted shade or shelter from a structure that could come crashing down.  No one tried to fix the broken bits, no one tried to replace the holes.  They just left it stand, with its shadow for company, until it finally crumbled to the ground.

What do you do when you run out?  Lock down, lock out the world, lock yourself in. Turn off the lights, and put up the "closed" sign.  What do you do when you run out, and there is no more left?  What do you do when there is no support to fall on, just the abyss?  Let the pain come.  Let darkness in to surround you.  Let it seep into your soul, let it grow cold and dark.  Accept the pain and inhale.  But do not become that abyss.  Remember it is time to wake up.  Wake up.
...

I could never stay angry for very long. I went through a gothic stage in high school, but it lasted all of a month.  I was never able to hold onto unhappiness, or hate against anyone, against myself, for very long if at all.  I never doubted myself, and always trusted I could deliver on what was expected of me, from my bosses, and myself. 

That outlook is all but smashed against the rocks, like some pathetic shell in rough waves. 

I doubt. I even go through bouts where I hate myself.  I learned that while I'm not made of glass, I'm not invincible either.  I learned I could fail; that no matter what I do, it might not be good enough. 
It's so hard to trust again.  Trust others with my heart, trust myself with my happiness.  The confidence broken, thus follows all securities.  And I've been pushed outside my moment of stillness, my balance.  It eats at me, the holes get bigger, the hurt is more, until it's actually noticeable by others.
 ...
Sleep, horses (cheaper than therapy), and some familiar country do wonders for the heart.   I'm still second guessing myself, but I also know, even when I have nothing left, every breathe is in defiance of giving up.  It is a difficult, upward battle, but it's never been in me to give up.  And I'm one year closer.

Almost there.