Stick Together

The title of this post is the TMobile slogan I see every time I turn on my new phone.  As if I were being given a small reminder everyday of the key to living happily, I seem to reflect every time I see it.


Ironically, the point of the phone was to increase communication back home to stay together, make it cheaper, and that has just not happened.  If anything, I think I have less contact from my best friend/husband.  But, hopefully that will change when he gets a phone that fits his specs and price... Hopefully, this will be soon. 

Classes are going well. Happily, I find the material interesting, and it really seems to be seaming the edges of my knowledge together, creating a fabric, where there were stray threads and strands of information before.  My dark brother told me once that he learns like a five year old: tell him that is the color blue, so it is.  I can never hold anything in my head that way, like so many strings to colored balloons: I've always ever had to make connections, tell a story, build a structure, piecing the picture together.

The goal this term has been to maintain chill. Minimize drama, maximize time with people that make me happy.  The result?  While I have been dancing again, and yoga, I keep trying to be prepared - and I keep failing epically.  The drama isn't mine; the problem is, I take on problems that are not mine, as mine.  Accordingly, it builds up and without my foundation, earth, ground, my support that I have lent out cracks and comes crashing down on me.  Crushed under the debris, I'm left wondering how this catastrophe could have happened...

I understand, I accommodate, I give a damn.  I let people be who they are and I try to be who I am.  I never let my friends down, and give everything I have. Coming together for meals is archaic, traditional, and to me, sacred.  It's a mark of my trust in someone if I offer to share food, drink, or snack with them.  It's a consistent mark of the opposite when I don't.  I view it as a major insult to someone to decline food or drink when offered.  At very least it's my first and best way I acknowledge the mutual bond.

I don't trust very quickly, and I'm alright letting people think I'm scary.  My friends require a good bit of fortitude to be my friends, and I'm past the tolerance where I can allow someone access to my life and vulnerabilities without that strength and trust inherent.  I need a minimum amount of communication.  Consistent communication.  At very least, a head's up of a change ahead, so I avoid running headlong off a cliff.  I need friends mild enough to weather me and brave enough to tell me how it is.  My dark brother is that friend here.  He stepped into the madness, and filled a gap where no one else could.  Without right, or reason, he weathered me, followed me into that abyss, and stayed with me until I saw the sun rise again.  No one gets family titles without earning it, and suffice to say he did.

Despite all my fabulous claims and solemn oaths, I think I have failed him as a friend.  Despite my strength and stubbornness, I have faltered.  I gave up on my dark brother when it got tough.  Granted, it got really tough.  A slew of exams, hell week, on top of full time class, and I lost (internet) connection with my foundation, my earth, back home.   I was being dragged down, by worry and fear, and yes, my pride was injured that I could not help, and that help was not even asked of me.  I let myself be dragged down.  The weight became too much, it became noticeable.  And at some point, I listened to those I started dragging down, I listened to myself that I could not do this.  I could not stay together, I was not enough.

And I hated myself for it.

The bond broken, and I believe insults exchanged, I am lost.  I lack closure and feel like it's not finished.  My mind keeps mulling over it, I cannot escape.  I sink within myself attempting Containment.  This does not go unnoticed by my friends.  Suddenly, I am exchanging the same words with my girl, except she has my part and I have his.  I have been brought full circle.  It all comes together and I finally understand what was not said.  While I don't even know if it is salvageable, I am compelled to try.  I never could give up very well.

But understanding is not enough.  There must be a change.  What do you do, when you cannot stay this way, and you cannot move forward?  The circle cannot remain unchanged, it cannot keep repeating.  There must be a change.  Is it within my ability to accommodate for this?  Is it within my right?  Do you stick together when times get tough, or do you fall apart? 

"We are all alone on this island, together.  The sad part is, we don't have to be."  We all do what we think is right.  It's the one thing in this world that we all, everyone, has in common.  It's what keeps us together.

Happy Valentine's.