Proximity

So close, yet so very, very far away.  How close is it, too close? How far, too far? Is this juxtaposition significant, or is it just another proximity of life?  Close enough to feel the heat, or the cold?

Every thing, object, or person has mass, gravity, meaning. Every thing exerts its own force by virtue of its proximity, on everything else.  Very simple, Very complex.

Every week this term, all I can think of is how close I am to Wednesday (the one break from my world, when I get to do something fun and teach), to Friday (a quick breathe, then back to work).  How close I am to Midterms (gaging the scope of the leap, the height of the fall)...


How close am I to the ones I love? 


Before Midterms (ie Hell Week 2 of 4 this term), all I could think of was that this Last Wednesday could not come soon enough. I dread the arrival of this New Wednesday, as it will toll the departure of all I could think of.  With my best friend here, my earth, foundation, nothing else matters.  And the proximity of that earth, foundation takes it's effect on my fluid structure, my movements.  The departure will also take it's effect, as I lose that proximity. 

I was so close to that best of GPA scores, and with this latest battery of exams, I am so very far away.  And I feel that.  With midterms past, I can think of nothing but how close May is, and the things that matter to me, that really matter in life, are there with me all juxtaposed together.

How close are these things to me? Thousands of miles, millimeters; thousands of hours, microseconds.  That proximity is missed.  Suddenly things that didn't matter, fill the gap, and I find myself mired in nonsense that has no bearing on my life or future.  Suddenly, everything's regressed, and I am left with a single choice.

All those I love, I hold very close to my heart.  It is easy to share my bright days, and bear my dark nights with such fabulous yellow roman candles so close.  And to open a door in the wall means danger to within.   But I cannot wall off what possesses a key.  Once given the key, I cannot take it back. I cannot change the lock. I must be me, and I cannot Not love; it's just what I was built for.  I must love whom I've let into my heart, despite the danger.

I am so tired of holding this wall up to all others, holding them away;  but I am also so very tired of getting decimated when it all comes down, with no one close to help with the wreckage or devastation.  Despite this, I have met my Quixote (knight errant), tilting at (dragons) windmills and causing silly trouble (serving justice), in honor of the (fair maiden) whore, all this with his best intentions. Right now, with all my best intentions, I hope this Quixote never learns just how wonderfully close he is to my heart. I don't think these walls can bear another fall or another door.

Time passes, and people come and go in your life.  The ones you keep close stay with you, and the ones you shut out, eventually will leave.  Hopefully, you are a decent judge when handing out the keys to your heart.

I feel this proximity, of time, emotion, of the distance.  So how close am I? How far are you?