Mettle

Many things have happened this past year.  In life, things come and go.  People come and go.  This is the ebb and flow of life; this is the tide of things.  This is the god of places and animals, of people   I've been through a lot, and I'm still here.

Lost some good friends to time and distance, lost my Earth to tragedy, fear, and pain.  Lost my confidence, and my self possession.  Lost my way, my love, my hope.  Lost some innocence to an exercise in trust. I have watched, and assisted, as one by one, my dear friends, my fine colleagues have left this island where we were all under fire.  I have seen some taken out by the work, some voluntarily quit from it, some going to answer yet another tide in life.  I have been assisted and watched as I grew with them, as I changed my ebb and flow over my own work and life.  Those still with me, even in the little bright box on my desk, we all dance together, apart, and the trust we have in each other grows, dies.  I have gained new, dear friends; I have lost some, and their absence echoes in my head like the lost notes of a symphony. I bid them safe journey, and my love despite my loss.  This is the balance of things.  And I am still here.

I aimed to be the best, and watched in disappointment as I let myself down, again and again.  I worry that I let others down because I expect so much from me.  But even in my failure, I am great.  I have great future plans for my work, this thing that I do which gives me such joy. Happily, it really is coming together.  Even if it doesn't work how I hope it will, my goals are within reach.  They are very close now, very soon.  And for that, I am not the worst, but I am still here.

I have lost things very dear to me.  I have felt something very small, very fragile, and by its potential very, very powerful go away from me, from my life.  And I feel that loss.  I mourn alone.  I rage and tear at myself for my loss, my failure.  The unfairness of life with its damnable ebb and flow, the disappointment in myself as I failed to do even what I am built to do.  I devastate myself.  I let go.  I have left my Earth as he left me.  It is nothing but a tragedy.  I am alone.  I have been lost somewhere in this seastorm, yet I am trying to find me again.  And after all of this: I am still here.


And I've gained new friends.  I've gained my freedom.  I've gained a sense of direction, and I found my earth within myself.  I gained the love of the classes I teach, and the respect of my professors.  I may have found myself.  As much as I have lost, been lost: I have gained, and been found.  Youxia, the great dragon, my great dragon has found me.  And he. is. my mirror.  He has gone on the walkabout.  He Sees me. Furthermore, he makes me remember that there is Method in the Madness, however faerietale and incredible.  I find myself believing him, that everything will be ok.  Even when my world is crashing down, I can feel it: I am still here.


I will not give up. I will not stop.  Even when I try to be still, I cannot hold back from the god within me: that unstoppable force that makes me move.  I have built structures, torn them down, and built again.  I will continue to move ever forward ever onward, further up and further in, as I refuse to simply make it safely to the grave.  I will teach, and love, and lead, and be what I am, do what I am built to do.


This is my mettle, my steely core, my immoveable object from within.  And knowing myself, my self worth, believing that I am enough is everything.