Once again, it has been called into question my policy on friends. As it happens, I need to vent and explain a few things about my person. I happen to feel it is most polite to publicly post my feelings towards the world, and thus my actions explained, to make it easier to "deal" with me.
People fall into 3 categories for me: Non-existents, Friends, and Enemies. One needs only exist in the world to fall into the first category, and the irony of the name and qualification of the category does not escape me. Non-existent people are those I do not know, have no opinion on, or have not met or have not been around long enough to form an opinion on. These people I generally think of as possessing general goodness, and flaws, but not immediately demanding of my attention or opinion, therefore not of importance. These people I give my goodwill, and assistance as is convenient for me.
The next two categories, people have to work to get into. Friends are those that I have been around long enough to form an approvingly decent opinion on. These people have merited my good opinion by observed actions, agreeable morals, and basic good intentions. These people are rare. These people receive my goodwill and assistance but also this: I give my love, my trust, and my loyalty. I have judged these people capable of handling my brutal honesty and idiosyncrasies, as I have judged myself capable of handing theirs, and trust in their goodwill and understanding the meanings in my actions.
Enemies are those that have actively wronged my person, or my friends. I understand sometimes actions can seem intentional when they are not, but you are still on my shit list until I've determined, and I *will* get to the bottom of it, your innocence. Also, if someone has wronged my friend, as an extension of my loyalty, you are on my shit list not until my friend forgives you, but until I judge your actions to be adequately amiable towards my friend and therefore, until I forgive you. These people I try to amicably avoid, and when forced to deal with, will attempt professionalism, but that is as far as my strength can carry me. If provoked, these people will see my capabilities of destruction, or simply my allowing them to self-destruct. This being said, I understand reputations as I am subject to them myself, and how they may be wrong; and while I am always willing to see the good in people, I am less likely to bestow slack to a defined Enemy, than I am some Non-existent having a bad day. This IS a quirk of mine that has in the past, and continues to, cause issue with my relations. However, I can accept it if my *worst* quality is that I am loyal to a fault.
I can list my good qualities here, but I don't think it's necessary or useful. Suffice to say, that I know and show that I have them, and am comfortable with how I am perceived in general to the world. That is, I do not care what the Non-existents nor the Enemies think of me. I care what my Friends think of me. I trust my Friends and their opinion is the only one that really matters to me. For this reason, I know I am a hard person to get along with. If, after being around me, my Friends decide it is in their best interest to no longer associate with me, that my good qualities are simply not enough to outweigh my hardness, I do understand.
It hurts to not be good enough. It hurts to love someone and that not be enough, but that IS life. And it is ok. I still give credit to your merits. Unless you actively wrong me, you are still in the Non existent category, if not the Friend category. Trust, and my good opinion, are hard things for me to dole out, and harder yet to rescind. But it is ok. I am strong, and I can handle my pain, and that is all I am responsible for. I know my opinion does not matter to anyone, and it shouldn't, except to my Friends. And if it still doesn't, then I am clearly not defined as your Friend. And that is ok.
Somewhere, despite my attempts at clarity, communication breaks down. If I think there is a problem, I'll ask. And I'll expect a direct answer. If you think there is a problem, ask me. I'll give you a direct answer. But do remember and be prepared for my honesty. If I care enough to have an opinion of you, I care. It does not have to matter to you.
You don't have to matter to me, but if you do, that is significant. It is significant if anyone decides to let someone else matter to them. And that significance should be recognized as sacred.
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