Descent

In behavior we learned about regressing birds, and dogs, and other beasts, so that we essentially erase the bad habits and can retrain them to make them more tractable.  Regression is basically bringing the animal back in time, making them younger mentally.  It is a handy trick for behavior modification, in animals...  But I don't think it's called regression in people, I think it's called a descent... 

We all have regressed.  The University environment lends itself to descent.  We are grown people, most have lived out on our own and so have grown past college, yet we are living on a campus, in dorms, with roommates.  Buildings are open 24 hours and there is always someone awake.  There is always someone drinking or smoking outside, increasingly as finals approach, and this close quarters with people on top of the stress level just negates any attempts at growth and maturity.  In a pinch, people go back to what they know.  In a pinch, people go backwards.

I think I have regressed somewhat.  Since the start of the term I have begun to drink, often heavily, as a coping mechanism for the stress here.  It's not progressed to a dangerous thing, but certainly a very different change from where I was mentally four short months ago.  Also, I've started to find distractions -like stealing puffs from someone's cigarette when I am *really stressed.*  I do not smoke, in fact, the only time I've ever smoked a cigarette was at 16 and only because I thought I'd get fired for getting handled at the cashier drawer; my coworker saw how badly I was fretting and provided a good distraction by making me smoke half a cigarette.  I say half because I actually got a little sick from the 3 puffs and gave it back.  Here, I have smoked a whole 2 cigarettes *by myself.*  <-That's a decent indicator of my stress level, and my lack of coping ability.  That is how stressed we all are, and I still think I'm handling it relatively well.

My own high coping standards include not giving way to stress. Not caring about others' opinions of me past whom I value.  Not losing focus or drive.  And certainly, not gossiping.  I have been guilty of all of these this term.  And while I think I have successfully navigated the surrounding social politics, I still feel the petty, the immature, and the vicious.  I find myself more and more wanting to respond in kind.  I am too old for this ridiculousness and I feel the regression, the descent.

Since Midterms, I have given in to sleeping in, skipping lectures and these things I do so I can go to the icebox hell and study, but I have shirked my duties as a team player and a good student in order to maintain my good grades.  Trade one for the other, borrow from Peter to pay Paul, if you will.  I have started my all-nighters for the term, and that has been disastrous on my mornings after, let alone my good standing with classmates...  Happily, I am reaping the fruits of all my hard work throughout the term as I am not nearly as stressed as others for the incoming finals.  But at what cost? 

I face not only personal descent, but the descent into the hell that is Finals Week.  Already people have become vicious and I have had to stake out my claim for a desk earlier and earlier until I start going home only to pick up yet another book or binder of notes... I start to wonder where I live anymore.

All I can think of is home.  I am not homesick, but I *am* sick of being here.  I'm sick of the drama, the people, the obvious disrespect from locals and students alike- despite their commonly caused high stress.  I am now one of those people I looked down on: the ones who say, "just get through this and survive, and you are home free."  The one's who aren't living the day, but hoping it all will pass soon. And this is yet more descent.

But just one more week...