Quitting

The Stress is over for now.  We have the blessing of temporary relief.  I have been purposely keeping head down, nose to book in an attempt to stay focused.  Despite this, trouble finds me.

 But I can say at least, the stress is over for now.  All crisises have happened, or have been averted.  All oncoming death and threat of death have come to pass, and all friends are coping and taken care of (if not my own, then others' nets have been cast).  Now that most problems are solved, I get to focus on those at the back burner.

Things that piss me off.

I cannot tell you how irksome it is to be dismissed.  (Easiest example is any med student here to a vet student's career.) What's more, to be dismissed, all work, all stress, as simply not equal, or equivalent of someone else's entire life.  As if one can compare the two.  Everyone's got issues. Everyone's got a coping mechanism.  And it is interesting to see just how differently people deal with the similar problems, but clearly, they are not the same.  And my stress, pain, workload, and problems, while unapparent to others, are extremely important to me.  If not, then they wouldn't register at all.


Jesus, look around people.  You are not the only one that has problems, and chances are, yours are not the worst.  Take some time and understand somebody, or at least allow it to occur to you that it's probably not personal. Everyone has bad days sometimes. Every brightly burning fabulous yellow roman candle can burn out, flicker, or sputter sometimes.  Do you honestly think the world is going to give you a break just because you're having a bad day?  The world was cold and harsh before you ever got here, and will continue to be so long after you are gone.  You can take it on as personal, every little thing, or you can let it go.  Despite the loss of closure to a situation, the loss of control to any part of it, sometimes the best thing you can do is let it go and get out of the way.  This is especially true when dealing with crazy people.  In med school, there are a lot of crazy people.

I know the answer to dealing with crazy people trying to provoke you, is to let it go.  And sometimes, specifically when overtly provoked, I don't want to let it go, I don't want to back down.  I want to murder said person right now.  I want them to back off and leave me alone, or better yet, QUIT BEING CRAZY. But this, as with closure, will not happen with crazy.  And closure is just another way of having some control over a situation. 

Here, I oscillate between understanding/patience, and annoyance/violence.  So far, no one has died... yet.   I believe that we all have flaws and that is acceptable; but I also believe that we can all adapt as needed to life.  A person retains their character flaws because they can afford to.  When the circumstances change, no longer affording given behavior, they crash and burn, or change.  This is the cope or die mechanism.  We all have the ability to cope.  We all can change to adapt to stress, or we find out that we cannot.  The perception and confidence of what we are capable of affords us the ability.  Conquering yourself is the best challenge anyone can overtake.  It's like a mirror-mask mortal combat on the mental playing field and you've been given enough quarters to play until you give up, with all your dirtiest tricks your best defense against yourself. Sometimes, we just need a little help. 

People that reach for the handout and skip the help really irritate me.  I have a whole class that I TA (I'm sorry, Facilitate) and while I really enjoy teaching and the "aha!" moments, sometimes these kids really kill me.  Like when no one actually cares to listen, showing up to my sessions and talking, playing on their phone, or just asks me to skip the questions and give out the answers.  As if I am torturing them.  As if I don't have things to do myself.  As if I'm wasting their time.  If you don't get anything out of my sessions: don't come.  Quit wasting my time.

Ultimately, the root cause of my frustrations is the quitter.  This person that is so willing to give in and not try.  Give in and reach for the handout rather than understand.  Give in and whine about life, throw a tantrum because things aren't going their way.  Give in and focus on the problem instead of looking for a solution.  Worse, one that expects everything of their friends, with no return.  Quitting the two-way relationship and giving in to whatever handouts come their way.


For all that I'd worry about the oncoming, I do see there will be an end, and that I will get there.  I don't quit.  I never let it occur to me that I could fail, and by that virtue, I am singularly focused on my goal.  I just wish I could explain that feeling better.  It's like trying to teach what the OM is from the buddha's perspective.  This is the core devastation I lay upon myself.